Mood swings, anxiety, self-doubt and night sweats, I’ve seen it all this month. New Year’s Day 2019 came and I had to immediately stop taking estrogen. In just a few days, I will be undergoing gender confirmation surgery (GCS).
The doctors said I needed to stop taking estrogen because it increases the risk of blood clots. I’m still allowed to remain on testosterone blockers until the day of surgery. Without taking my hormones, I’ve been struggling to feel like myself and keep it all together.
I’m really ecstatic. I’m going to have the body that I’ve always wanted; the one I recognize as my own. I first tried to do this to myself with a pair of scissors when I was nine years old. It’s been a long time coming.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. I’ve never had any kind of surgery before. I’ve seen the YouTube videos and talked to the doctors, so I feel prepared. What’s made it all better, is my support system. My friends and my family are my rock. I couldn’t have gotten this far without them.
My wife organized a surprise party to celebrate my re-birth with some of my closest friends. The theme was butterflies, which has become a symbol for me. Before I came out, I was trapped in this cocoon unsure of myself and afraid to fly. Now I’m breaking free as my authentic self.
I said my goodbyes to my co-workers. They’ve been with me through this whole experience and never wavered in their support. On my last day of work, I wore the same outfit (including necklace and purse) I wore on the first day I went in as my true self nearly two years ago. It was amazing I didn’t let any tears go until I got home later that night. That night I had a quiet last celebratory meal for the week before the big operation.
I’m home now, waiting for the magic to happen. It’s still so incredible to me that I will wake up in a few days and have new genitals. It’s truly amazing what they can do these days, eh? My body will finally be my own. The surgery could take up to eight hours. I’ll be recovering in hospital for seven days and returning to work in about eight weeks. It’s worth it, I keep telling myself.
The next time I’ll be writing you, I’ll be complete. Thank you so much for your love and support thus far. It’s been such an incredible journey. Stay tuned for my next chapter.